GIRL EATS WORLD

The kind of love I think I deserve.

“You want a love that consumes you. You want passion and adventure, and even a little danger… I want you to get everything you’re looking for.” -Damon

The one that consumes me, that kind that draws me in, from my skin to the very depths of my soul, the one that drives me crazy and keeps me calm at the same time, the one that i can’t live without,  i can’t smile without, and i can’t breathe without.

Squeeze the passion and the sweetness out of me, make me do things i can’t ever regret. Make me feel like flying when the truth is im deeply falling, Take the breath out of me as you hold me tightly in your arms, make my heart skip so many beats as you smile and kiss every part of me, Make me laugh, make me sing, make me smile, take my heart and fill it with your love, my love, OUR love.

Take me to places i’ve never been, give me the air i’ve never breathe and the wind i’ve never felt. Surprise me with every twists and turns, Take my hand with each step. Make everyday an adventure.

Make me love the nights and cherish the mornings. make me kiss the rain and savor the sun, blow away the clouds and shine like the stars. Let’s make it through each storm, and  calm the seas with each touch.

Make me forget about the past and not think about the future, never plan about things and look at the time, Make me love Mondays as i love every weekend, make me mark every day of the calendar as a day worth remembering. Make me love you more with each day, each week, each month, each year.

Make me scribble hearts and smiles, make me write my name hanging with yours, Make me write songs in each page of our fairytale, make me sing songs of silly teenage love and happy endings, make me play songs with every memory i have of you, like those in the movies, from the  first meeting to the first kiss and everyday in between.

Make me smile because of the little things, make me cry because of the stupid things. Make me love the good times and box up the bad ones, make me snicker at the sweetest moves, and blush with the simple ones. Make me drown in those eyes.  Make me feel bad, make me feel angry, make me feel nothing, but at the end of the day make me realize i’ll always have you. Make me stare and admire at the one thing i thought i could never have,

Love my every faults and mistakes, as  i loved yours, love how i may hate things and sometimes how i may hate you but not as much as i love you, open my eyes and see your face, sleep in a room filled with our heartbeats and breath, lie down in our bed filled with warmth.

Start every morning waking up next to me and end each day with “i love you”, make me fall in love like it’s always the first time

-bitchoftheliving

(Source: bitchoftheliving)

TO THE ONE ‘THING’ I LOVED MOST

goodbye my ITOUCH, along with most of my internship to post-graduate memories, i loved you so much and everyone knows that, i worked so hard for so long to get you, it’s ironic how easily you were taken away from me, please i hope whoever took you will find no use of you and will just throw you away or something, because i can’t imagine someone else  using your apps and browsing your photos, i love you so much and i know it’ll be hard to move on :( 

FAILURE at its best.

I am NEVER a fan of failure and disappointment. That’s why i strive hard and do my best just so i would escape the clutches of the uneasy feeling that failure can bring upon me. But i never thought it would be harder to walk away from someone else’s failure.

A big chunk of my life is surrounded by failure of the people around me, and even if i try not to care, i’m always held up in it; My sister’s failure, my brother’s failure, my friends, everyone. What sucks most is the pseudo-failed state i get when these things come up.

My mom and i recently had an argument, actually it’s the same argument we have every time, I am NEVER  a problem child, i made sure of it but sometimes my nerves just get in the way and i say things that, even though is right, is not exactly nice. Were having problems with money; i’ll admit, i assumed that since im the “trophy-child” i should be the priority, but in MOST situations i am not, like situations involving my brother’s failure, and i’m telling you, when failure is involved i get so mad and the thoughts in my mind boil up til it rush out of my mouth, I hated my brother for that failure, i hate everyone who drags me with their failure, I FUCKING HATE IT.

My point is, i worked so hard to fix my life, to not be a shadow of my siblings’ failure cause i know i won’t like it, i would hate myself even. And i strongly believe that i don’t have to suffer any pseudo-failed feelings because i don’t fucking deserve any bit of it. I had sleepless nights! i forced myself to study just to fucking pass, i sacrificed a lot! i deserve to enjoy the fruits of MY hard work! AND I’M NOT BEING SELFISH, because i know from the very beginning it wasn’t for me, it never was, it was for the satisfaction of my parents, i never wanted to disappoint them, NEVER HAVE, NEVER WILL! FROM THE VERY START! but i just can’t seem to escape the disappointment brought by my brother and sister. Things still get fucked up and i hate it. And sometimes, i just wanted to tell them that im getting tired, so tired of trying to be perfect for them…

maybe i failed at pleasing them.

The NOT-WORTH-HAVING part

Anything you got EASILY, is NOT WORTH HAVING.

Yeah, you had me, with not so much work needed to be done.

i kept telling myself not to let the bad intuitions get into me, but it did, it always had, i just kept pushing it to the darkest portion of my naive mind along with my other denials

I liked you, so much that i have to push myself to you, to think of a way that would make me have you, i drove myself into you, gave you everything you wanted just so i can have my hands on you, i didn’t play fair, i lowered myself to get what i wanted. 

I WAS EASY, SELFISH, DISGUSTING, 

Always have, and always will, that’s why i was never worth it,  you did’t have to work hard to get me, i worked hard for you to want me. THAT night really was the game changer, you knew and took advantage of it, Someone wants you, better push through with it right? 

you don’t have to work hard, you don’t have to put that much effort, you don’t really have to have a tight grip on me, because i won’t go anywhere, i was the one who presented myself, i wouldn’t be the one to walk away right? I WAS THE EASY GIRL. YOU CAN LOSE ME BUT IT WOULDN’T BE SUCH A WASTE. no sweat.

But… what was i really thinking?

well i was thinking that i can’t let fate have a way with us, because chances are it wouldn’t turn out nice, the way i wanted it to be, the one that was in my favor, so i had to make a move, i didn’t think of anything else but that i WANTED you, i’ve been making petty moves which, up to now, didn’t know if it worked, i have to do something that would get your whole attention, i saw an opportunity and grabbed it, then i almost hated myself for doing it, but regret failed to crawl its way into me, i HAD you and it’s all i can think of,  But it still bothers me, and i cant tell you that, I can’t tell you a lot of things, or i can, but i have to gather my guts from my very core, but it still wouldn’t matter that much, because we only go with the flow and live by the moment just a little too much.

But what if our so-called LOVE is not worth it, and is meant to be short lived? the happiness and feelings we can’t trust is meant to be gone too soon? easy it goes as easy as it came? i couldn’t bear the thought but it bothers me. Will i lose you too?